Rethinking Connection

“Who is my neighbor?” Is it that same anonymous person who sends me an email from some foreign land with the promise of quick riches. Is it the Bank Teller who manages to smile and say have a nice day when I am the 50th person who has also forgotten to write the account number on my check. Is it your couple of hundred friends listed on your Facebook page (for those who partake)?

In today’s virtual world of connection and instant news, it can feel like everyone is living next door. Joseph R. Myers (my new literary neighbor) has some helpful thoughts about connection and space (The Search to Belong: Rethinking Intimacy, Community and Small Groups 2003). He reminded us that our educational training may have prioritized meaning and believing over belonging and connecting. Today, we live in a time when the way to a person head is through their heart. Folk are seeking an experience before constructing a belief or profession of faith.

Consider the hospital patient requesting a pastoral visit. You discover that this “parishioner” has never attended a service or made a financial pledge, but “watches your televised worship service every Sunday.” In her world and in Myers paradigm, she believes that she fully belongs (until we indicate otherwise).
He states, “They want to participate in our rituals, even though they may not fully understand their meaning. They see a kaleidoscope of possibilities for belonging. But our language struggles to fully express this spectrum of possibilities.” (P.27)

Space and Connection
Consider your own need for personal space or connection. If we place you on a bell curve, some of you will come out on the 15 per cent who are what I describe as having a disengaged or more distant engagement style (you hate to hold hands and form a prayer circle). Others of you will be on that other end of the 15 percent that will have an “in close” engagement style (“let us join hands as we pray”). Most folk fall somewhere in between.
Our perceptions of what others are looking for in connection and community will be determined by our own preference. Myers challenges us to look at the value of connections that can be easy to dismiss as superficial or perfunctory. Here is a quick run through of his model and language for belonging and connections.

Four Spaces of Connection

• Public belonging "occurs when people connect through outside influence or an external event." While visiting my sister in Kansas, we attending a football game between New England Patriot’s and Kansas City Chief’s. Anyone who was brave enough to wear their Patriot gear seemed to experience an automatic connection without sharing any personal information.


• Social belonging "occurs when we share "snapshots" of what it would be like to be in personal space with us." This is where you put your "best foot forward." Yet, you aren’t really sharing any deep or private information. Examples of this space might be at your place of employment or where you get your hair cut. For some folk, this might be the coffee hour after worship.


• Personal belonging is where "we share private experience, feelings and thoughts without making folk feel uncomfortable." These are relationships that we typically name as friends. They know more about us than our acquaintances, but less than our “intimates.”


• Intimate belonging is the space where we “share ‘naked’ experiences, feelings, and thoughts. We have very few relationships that are intimate." These relationships are where we can share the deepest parts of ourselves and not feel ashamed. We can share even those parts of ourselves that feel unacceptable.

Myers helps us to understand the value of connecting in public and social space. Some may have a bias that anything less than personal space is somehow “second class.” Others may undervalue the need for personal and intimate space. His thinking helps us to understand how each space has it’s own significance and place of belonging.

What do you think a healthy congregation looks like? Myers research indicates …

*8 parts public
*4 parts social
*2 parts personal
*1 part intimate.

Myers states,
“In our push to move everyone into personal or intimate relationship with God, we have forgotten the spectrum of ways God chooses to communicate with us and the ways we choose to communicate with [God]. I believe that we are to help individuals with their connections with God in the space that they choose. We can help by providing opportunities for them to learn spiritual disciplines in that specific space."

As we seek to create health and growth, wouldn't it be interesting to sit down in our churches and engage in conversations regarding our understandings of belonging. What would we discover as we looked at the messages we convey about the value of belonging to one group over another.

Discussion Questions

• What are the messages we communicate to folk in located in different spaces?


• How does program planning change when over fifty percent of the congregation may not have grape vine connection or communication outside of Sunday morning?


• How does that change our communication methods?


• How does that change how we run our pledge drives?

Meyers adds several more questions at the end of his book to the list for discussion. His book doesn’t answer the question of “who is my neighbor?” But he does provide some great models and language for understanding community. A must read for those concerned with creating spaces for belonging and connection.